Among adoptees and surrendering mothers and adoptive families, the subject of adoption is emotional. Frequently to protect ourselves from emotional overwhelm, we shield ourselves...we stop the hurting in many ways. We cut ourselves off emotionally, develop unhealthy behaviors, and are challenged in relationships.
NONE OF US DID ANYTHING WRONG. Until awakened by a secondary trauma, I associated PTS with mental illness...and refused even to be evaluated. That diagnosis, I thought, would be followed by years of therapy and perscription drugs. Instead, I spent my childhood and most of my adult life perceiving myself as a victim. My ego consistently identified accordingly. Life wasn't fair. My adoptive parents were a charming couple who provided well for me; my Dad a prince who always put me #2 (his wife first, himself third).
Although blessed to be re-united with my biological Mom 18 years ago, implications of the emotional reaction I experienced as an infant continued to haunt me. Many other adoptees and surrendering mothers I've spoken with over the years share this dis-connect.
In November 2009, I was privileged to be in the first group of practitioners trained by Tom Stone of Great Life Technologies as a Trauma Resolution Specialist. The training included an immersion, where practitioners cleared all past traumas enabling us to serve clients without being triggered by their issues. In honoring and allowing the entire emotional reaction of being "abandoned" by my Mother without shielding myself, I made a liberating discovery. Our ego is no more our friend than our self-limiting beliefs. The stories we tell ourselves, and others, do not serve us. Releasing the energy attached to our "stories" allows appropriate response to current and future stress or trauma...rather than reacting based on unmet expectation in a previous circumstance.
This discovery was made in a blissful place Tom Stone calls "PURE AWARENESS". Pure Awareness is the underpinning of Trauma Resolution Coaching...guiding the shift from Survive to Thrive. For everyone else, practicing these same techniques improve relationships, concentration, and response to stress or dysfunction. Once guided to "Pure Awareness", participants delight in coming back to this place where they further develop application of techniques and increase their joy.
Although there are less than 100 practitioners trained in these leading-edge techniques, we are honored to bring these techniques to those haunted by traumatic stress (which may have occurred in childhood or adulthood). Members of fractured families, re-unified families and blended families...application of these simple techniques permanently resolves stored emotional energy that keeps us from being all we can be. BE TRAUMA FREE WITHOUT THERAPY. Its quick, effective and permanent.
As the number of trained practitioner/facilitators increases, you may find Trauma Resolution Specialists (trained in Human Software Engineering) in your area...and we are building our capacity to serve telephonically. Personally serving the Los Angeles area, fellow practitioners are available by referral; Great Life Technologies is located in Carlsbad, CA. www.greatlifetechnologies.com
Readers feedback and comments always welcome, watch for new features, enhancements, and guest-bloggers bringing greater value in 2010. Stay blessed, I LUV YOU ALL!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Trauma #1-Separation Anxiety
Frequently people who were adopted experience separation anxiety, for many this is masked to some degree. Until a subsequent trauma, I hadn't recognized the implications in my own life.
Misperceptions about Post Traumatic Stress keep many with early childhood trauma from learning more. We rely on our coping mechanisms. We may associate PTS with mental illness and hold on to fears that such a diagnosis would mean years of drugs and/or therapy. I found the answer in human software engineering, an emerging field pioneered by Tom Stone at Great Life Technologies.
The application of this technology goes far beyond post traumatic stress surrounding childhood trauma. It is not practitioner-dependent. Within a few to several sessions, we train YOU to resolve YOUR issues. We guide YOU in clearing past issues and provide YOU with tools and techniques to take present or future hurdles and traumas in stride.
As Trauma Resolution Specialists, we must first get the junk out of our trunk to effectively guide YOU without being triggered by your experiences. This is NOT therapy. Our clients don't pay to tell their story...in fact, its just the opposite. We guide our clients to recognize they are not their story. Each of YOU is much, much more than the sum of your experiences!
After our emersion, TRS participate in webinars for 5-6 months to become certified with Great Life Technologies. We are, however, well-prepared to guide those traumatized to a peaceful, blissful place. By referral, we'll get YOU connected to a TRS near you, or a more advanced practitioner who can guide you telephonically.
Application of Great Life Technologies is proven successful with combat stress, domestic violence, and countless other stressors resulting from life-threatening and non life-threatening experiences. Visit www.greatlifetechnologies.com for additional information. In Southern California, I/we can serve individuals or groups in moving towards inner peace, free of traumatic stress. This is the BLISS YOU DESERVE!
Misperceptions about Post Traumatic Stress keep many with early childhood trauma from learning more. We rely on our coping mechanisms. We may associate PTS with mental illness and hold on to fears that such a diagnosis would mean years of drugs and/or therapy. I found the answer in human software engineering, an emerging field pioneered by Tom Stone at Great Life Technologies.
The application of this technology goes far beyond post traumatic stress surrounding childhood trauma. It is not practitioner-dependent. Within a few to several sessions, we train YOU to resolve YOUR issues. We guide YOU in clearing past issues and provide YOU with tools and techniques to take present or future hurdles and traumas in stride.
As Trauma Resolution Specialists, we must first get the junk out of our trunk to effectively guide YOU without being triggered by your experiences. This is NOT therapy. Our clients don't pay to tell their story...in fact, its just the opposite. We guide our clients to recognize they are not their story. Each of YOU is much, much more than the sum of your experiences!
After our emersion, TRS participate in webinars for 5-6 months to become certified with Great Life Technologies. We are, however, well-prepared to guide those traumatized to a peaceful, blissful place. By referral, we'll get YOU connected to a TRS near you, or a more advanced practitioner who can guide you telephonically.
Application of Great Life Technologies is proven successful with combat stress, domestic violence, and countless other stressors resulting from life-threatening and non life-threatening experiences. Visit www.greatlifetechnologies.com for additional information. In Southern California, I/we can serve individuals or groups in moving towards inner peace, free of traumatic stress. This is the BLISS YOU DESERVE!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Adoptees...a hidden demographic
Ironic how tv portrays family life in America. As a child, I remember watching Leave It to Beaver...in contrast to the less traditional elements of Family Affair in the 60s. In the 70's, family dysfunction began seeping its way into television programming. Crime dramas and now reality-based shows illuminate the darker side of our societal models.
For decades, we've been fascinated and entertained watching dynamics of communication in families, workplaces and communities. As relationships and communication evolved, one very obscure group has been left behind...seldom addressed, almost completely un-noticed.
We're quiet. We don't stand out and frequently don't stand up. As much as we are vastly different, our similarities are staggering. And our extended family, community, and co-workers are affected...the later two, typically, without a clue. Hours after my birth, I became one of this group. I am an adoptee. Welcome to my lemonade stand.
Adoptees think differently; we have a kink in our chain of evolution. Absent the foundational roots, frequently traumatized by separation as an infant or young child, our coping and communication skills differ dramatically from our peers. Often we've spent a lifetime feeling separate or that we didn't belong...most likely, never sharing these thoughts or feelings. The truth be told, we feel guilty, sometimes ungrateful, for even having these thoughts.
My first read of The Celestine Prophecy was bittersweet...as I began to understand so many missing connections. One of the book's premises is that whatever circumstances or issues aren't resolved in one generation serve as an obstacle for the generation or generations that follow. Before re-uniting with my birth family, I couldn't even begin to understand the challenges I was destined to face...not to mention the baggage that would be left for my children or my children's children to clean up, if I didn't get it right.
Understandably, adoptive families seek to draw adopted children into their new families...sometimes almost competitively, seeking to gain the loyalty of the new member. The adopted child may feel they were abandoned or unwanted by his or her birth family. Most often, it is more complicated. Frequently at the time, the birth mother and her family believed adoption was the best option for mother and child.
Not all adoptive families should have children. They should anticipate challenges...with abandonment issues, rejection, forming attachments and relationships. Conditioned to accept being treated as less desirable or lovable than our peers, our expectations are not the same. Eager to please, to fit in, we are quiet. We don't make waves. Often, as we mature, we accept emotional or physical abuse in intimate relationships.
So, how do we break the cycle? First, we must recognize it. Once we are aware, we can begin to shift our thoughts and feelings. Usually, with people we don't know well, we have no idea whether or not they were adopted. Still, most of us do know someone who is adopted or who has adopted a child. YOUR awareness and support...your referral...can provide immense relief.
To honor and validate their viewpoints and experiences, ADOPTION DYNAMICS provides a forum for discussion and techniques for bridging the gaps. With a blog, bi-monthly podcasts, and live discussion forums, we open the dialogue. Now human software engineering, developed by Great Life Technologies (www.greatlifetechnologies.com) for treatment of post traumatic stress, allows adoptees and their next generations to more closely mirror the evolution and progress of our peers.
Organic, refreshing, and naturally sweet, this lemonade quenches the thirst of adoptees and others whose safety or protection has been seriously violated.
Stay tuned...an "Intervention" style reality show may soon illustrate dysfunction and treatment, post-trauma. Your referrals, to bring our live discussion forums to community groups, are sincerely appreciated and your comments, always welcome.
For decades, we've been fascinated and entertained watching dynamics of communication in families, workplaces and communities. As relationships and communication evolved, one very obscure group has been left behind...seldom addressed, almost completely un-noticed.
We're quiet. We don't stand out and frequently don't stand up. As much as we are vastly different, our similarities are staggering. And our extended family, community, and co-workers are affected...the later two, typically, without a clue. Hours after my birth, I became one of this group. I am an adoptee. Welcome to my lemonade stand.
Adoptees think differently; we have a kink in our chain of evolution. Absent the foundational roots, frequently traumatized by separation as an infant or young child, our coping and communication skills differ dramatically from our peers. Often we've spent a lifetime feeling separate or that we didn't belong...most likely, never sharing these thoughts or feelings. The truth be told, we feel guilty, sometimes ungrateful, for even having these thoughts.
My first read of The Celestine Prophecy was bittersweet...as I began to understand so many missing connections. One of the book's premises is that whatever circumstances or issues aren't resolved in one generation serve as an obstacle for the generation or generations that follow. Before re-uniting with my birth family, I couldn't even begin to understand the challenges I was destined to face...not to mention the baggage that would be left for my children or my children's children to clean up, if I didn't get it right.
Understandably, adoptive families seek to draw adopted children into their new families...sometimes almost competitively, seeking to gain the loyalty of the new member. The adopted child may feel they were abandoned or unwanted by his or her birth family. Most often, it is more complicated. Frequently at the time, the birth mother and her family believed adoption was the best option for mother and child.
Not all adoptive families should have children. They should anticipate challenges...with abandonment issues, rejection, forming attachments and relationships. Conditioned to accept being treated as less desirable or lovable than our peers, our expectations are not the same. Eager to please, to fit in, we are quiet. We don't make waves. Often, as we mature, we accept emotional or physical abuse in intimate relationships.
So, how do we break the cycle? First, we must recognize it. Once we are aware, we can begin to shift our thoughts and feelings. Usually, with people we don't know well, we have no idea whether or not they were adopted. Still, most of us do know someone who is adopted or who has adopted a child. YOUR awareness and support...your referral...can provide immense relief.
To honor and validate their viewpoints and experiences, ADOPTION DYNAMICS provides a forum for discussion and techniques for bridging the gaps. With a blog, bi-monthly podcasts, and live discussion forums, we open the dialogue. Now human software engineering, developed by Great Life Technologies (www.greatlifetechnologies.com) for treatment of post traumatic stress, allows adoptees and their next generations to more closely mirror the evolution and progress of our peers.
Organic, refreshing, and naturally sweet, this lemonade quenches the thirst of adoptees and others whose safety or protection has been seriously violated.
Stay tuned...an "Intervention" style reality show may soon illustrate dysfunction and treatment, post-trauma. Your referrals, to bring our live discussion forums to community groups, are sincerely appreciated and your comments, always welcome.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Birth family reunions and resources
Upon turning 21, I began to search for my birth mother. Although mutual consent registries were beginning to operate, before the internet I wasn't aware of the largest free service in the world, the International Soundex Reunion Registry which began in 1975. I signed up for the services I knew about, then began to explore other paths hoping one would lead me to my birth mother and birth family. Private investigators were expensive and offered no guarantees. My perception of some firms I spoke with was ... they are exploiting lost souls. Back then I was told that with closed adoptions, information could be bought...for a price. Then in the 80's, a co-worker who had adopted siblings told me about the International Soundex Reunion Registry. I hadn't tried that one, and hearing her sister's success, I was optimistic. I requested their questionnaire, completed it promptly and mailed it back to Nevada. Just two days later, I received the phone call...WE have a match!!!
Indeed that was the first day of the rest and best of my life! There are other sites as well. For those seeking to re-unite, be sure to keep the registry sites updated with your current contact information. www.ISRR.com is the most comprehensive...as a mutual consent registry, there is no fear of rejection.
Other sites include www.adoption.com and www.iwasadopted.com In an imperfect world, not all birthmothers register to re-unite with their children. Private investigators can assist. They will get information for you, however, having contact information in hand doesn't necessarily mean your contact will be welcomed.
Among the many private investigation firms that provide searches are www.kinsolving.com and www.omnitrace.com Fees vary, typically between $1300-$1800 for contact info to birth mother, bio-siblings or next of kin.
Infants and children are surrendered for many reasons. Frequently adoptees imagine we were given away because we were not wanted, not loved, or there was something lacking inside ourselves. Often we are haunted by these thoughts and allow them to color our perceptions of the world around us as well as our own place in relationships.
Sometimes, people who adopt seek to fill a void in their lives. My own birth mother adopted two children herself, unable to birth another child. Knowing and loving her as an adult, my perception has blossomed to a richer and fuller understanding.
Each person's experience and point of view is valid and honored. Presently this blog is supplemented with a podcast on Adoption Dynamics, recorded alternate Thursdays @ 9:30 AM Pacific time. On November 12th and 26th, 2009, we invite guests to call 347 237-4584 with their comments. My co-host, Minoshia Gail Humphrey, and I are both adopted and have very different experiences and attitudes. We want to hear YOURS! YOUR questions, feelings and thoughts are always welcome on this post as well. Adoptees, adoptive and birth families...we want to hear from you. We love you all.
Indeed that was the first day of the rest and best of my life! There are other sites as well. For those seeking to re-unite, be sure to keep the registry sites updated with your current contact information. www.ISRR.com is the most comprehensive...as a mutual consent registry, there is no fear of rejection.
Other sites include www.adoption.com and www.iwasadopted.com In an imperfect world, not all birthmothers register to re-unite with their children. Private investigators can assist. They will get information for you, however, having contact information in hand doesn't necessarily mean your contact will be welcomed.
Among the many private investigation firms that provide searches are www.kinsolving.com and www.omnitrace.com Fees vary, typically between $1300-$1800 for contact info to birth mother, bio-siblings or next of kin.
Infants and children are surrendered for many reasons. Frequently adoptees imagine we were given away because we were not wanted, not loved, or there was something lacking inside ourselves. Often we are haunted by these thoughts and allow them to color our perceptions of the world around us as well as our own place in relationships.
Sometimes, people who adopt seek to fill a void in their lives. My own birth mother adopted two children herself, unable to birth another child. Knowing and loving her as an adult, my perception has blossomed to a richer and fuller understanding.
Each person's experience and point of view is valid and honored. Presently this blog is supplemented with a podcast on Adoption Dynamics, recorded alternate Thursdays @ 9:30 AM Pacific time. On November 12th and 26th, 2009, we invite guests to call 347 237-4584 with their comments. My co-host, Minoshia Gail Humphrey, and I are both adopted and have very different experiences and attitudes. We want to hear YOURS! YOUR questions, feelings and thoughts are always welcome on this post as well. Adoptees, adoptive and birth families...we want to hear from you. We love you all.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Internet Radio Premier of ADOPTION DYNAMICS
On October 29, 2009 at 9:30 AM PST/12:30 PM EST we launch the internet radio premier of Adoption Dynamics with a 1/2 hr open forum. CALL-in 347 237-4584 to share thoughts, feelings, and personal experiences from yourself or a loved one. Minosha Gail Humphrey and Pamela Michell offer a look at adoption, behind the curtain. This blog will be complimented by an internet radio program, expanding next to internet television with a view-like panel format. We welcome guest recommendations and reader comments on what you would like to read/hear about. The good, bad, beautiful and the facade... Sometimes re-unification bring joy beyond what words can express, sometimes it is met with rejection, some don't even seek it. And how does it affect spouses and children? Here's a safe place to express yourself and sort it all out. Peace be with you.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Re-connecting with Birth Family
Surrendered for adoption at birth, in a time when there were few options for unmarried teenage mothers, compartmentalization was always my leading coping mechanism. Stigma and secrecy pervaded. As a child, I knew only a few other adopted children and we never discussed it. Seemed disloyal. In adulthood, I realized I was not alone...that many of my thoughts and feelings were common among adoptees.
I was raised in a place where I knew I did not belong by a spectacular couple who had been married nearly a decade when they adopted me and raised me as an only child. Since I can remember, I knew that I was adopted although the details were kept secret. Always I wondered, but couldn't say it.
Missing roots, I was eager to marry and have children of my own. Until then, clearly I was not grounded. My relationship with my adoptive parents grew closer when two beautiful granddaughters were produced. Still, I yearned for my biological family.
As an adult, I signed up for mutual consent registries and tried to find my bio-mom. The limited info I was provided by my adoptive parents was inaccurate...just enough to throw me off track. Not until my early 30's did I learn about the International Soundex Reunion Registry (www.ISRR.net) and re-unite with my bio-mom.
ISRR.net was founded in 1975, as a mutual consent registry, available to assist individuals over 18 years of age in finding their biological connections. Recommended by a colleague whose adopted siblings had successfully used the service, eagerly I filled out the application and mailed it off to Nevada. Two days later, I got the call..."WE THINK WE HAVE A MATCH!"
That was the first week of June and on my birthday, June 13th, MY MOTHER and I met face to face...just days after our first phone conversation.
No words can describe the emotion or how quickly 30+ years of separation melted away.
My mother was not able to birth any other children; she did later adopt two boys. My mother has had the experience of surrendering her only born child and of adopting two children, surrendered by their mother. Her loving, patient insight provides a peaceful calm that was so long absent in my life.
From my copyrighted poetry collection, "Richness of life, as an adoptee...foundationally frames me differently". And not only am I affected, so are my children.
From that early separation, my engrained coping mechanisms have had mixed results. On one hand, like many adoptees, I seem dissassociated, unemotional. Yet this compartmentalization technique has served me well on more than one occassion.
Only by fully integrating all life's experiences, positive and negative, am I learning to fully experience and appreciate life. I seek to help others find this peace. Adoptees, birthparents, adoptive parents and extended families...together we can support those surrendered with love and understanding.
In adulthood I've come to know hundreds who have adoptive dynamics in their families. Its not always pretty. This blog opens dialogue in a safe, supportive place. For some found their most joyful dynamic was in childhood, for others, in adulthood. Close your eyes and feel the love. Soon I'll be sharing meditation and pure awareness techniques to increase the peace and joy you feel on a daily basis. Together, we will experience a wonderful journey. YOUR thoughts, feelings, and experiences are welcome here!
I was raised in a place where I knew I did not belong by a spectacular couple who had been married nearly a decade when they adopted me and raised me as an only child. Since I can remember, I knew that I was adopted although the details were kept secret. Always I wondered, but couldn't say it.
Missing roots, I was eager to marry and have children of my own. Until then, clearly I was not grounded. My relationship with my adoptive parents grew closer when two beautiful granddaughters were produced. Still, I yearned for my biological family.
As an adult, I signed up for mutual consent registries and tried to find my bio-mom. The limited info I was provided by my adoptive parents was inaccurate...just enough to throw me off track. Not until my early 30's did I learn about the International Soundex Reunion Registry (www.ISRR.net) and re-unite with my bio-mom.
ISRR.net was founded in 1975, as a mutual consent registry, available to assist individuals over 18 years of age in finding their biological connections. Recommended by a colleague whose adopted siblings had successfully used the service, eagerly I filled out the application and mailed it off to Nevada. Two days later, I got the call..."WE THINK WE HAVE A MATCH!"
That was the first week of June and on my birthday, June 13th, MY MOTHER and I met face to face...just days after our first phone conversation.
No words can describe the emotion or how quickly 30+ years of separation melted away.
My mother was not able to birth any other children; she did later adopt two boys. My mother has had the experience of surrendering her only born child and of adopting two children, surrendered by their mother. Her loving, patient insight provides a peaceful calm that was so long absent in my life.
From my copyrighted poetry collection, "Richness of life, as an adoptee...foundationally frames me differently". And not only am I affected, so are my children.
From that early separation, my engrained coping mechanisms have had mixed results. On one hand, like many adoptees, I seem dissassociated, unemotional. Yet this compartmentalization technique has served me well on more than one occassion.
Only by fully integrating all life's experiences, positive and negative, am I learning to fully experience and appreciate life. I seek to help others find this peace. Adoptees, birthparents, adoptive parents and extended families...together we can support those surrendered with love and understanding.
In adulthood I've come to know hundreds who have adoptive dynamics in their families. Its not always pretty. This blog opens dialogue in a safe, supportive place. For some found their most joyful dynamic was in childhood, for others, in adulthood. Close your eyes and feel the love. Soon I'll be sharing meditation and pure awareness techniques to increase the peace and joy you feel on a daily basis. Together, we will experience a wonderful journey. YOUR thoughts, feelings, and experiences are welcome here!
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